Carter's almost new sibling...facing miscarriage

For a few months Carter had been talking about this phatom siblings. I want my brother, where's my sister? The following is a reflection of my thoughts and feelings after having a miscarriage in March 2012.

There are many organizations and clubs that I've wanted to be a part, but the 10-25% one was not on that list.

I woke up not wanting to go out for my Tuesday morning jog. As I stood in the kitchen, I felt a slight gush of fluid and immediately recalled one of the side effects of my condition. Once I reached the restroom I noticed a quarter-size amount of blood. Odd, I thought, so I called the doctor's office.

Having rescheduled my 3:45pm appointment for that day, she asked me to come in right away and said they would work me in. I headed to the doctor by myself, while Kai stayed at home with Carter, who had the flu. We have learned that sacrifices are a part of life when your family expands to 3. I waited in the lobby for nearly an hour and a half before Peaches, the ultrasound technician, called me back. I joked with her about the "tampon stick" ultrasound as she inserted the wand. When I turned towards Peaches, I observed the look of concern on her face. She asked if I had regular cycles. "Yes, every 21 days like clockwork", I replied. Her next words revealed the look of concern on her face, "Well, I'm sorry it appears that you're having a miscarriage". I took a deep breath, but maintained my composure. I didn't really know how I felt or how to feel at that moment. I was now a part of the 15-20% of women who miscarry during their first trimester for no apparent reason. In January, I had just cried and felt sorrow for a very good friend who suffered a miscarriage and now I was sad for myself and for Kai. The rest of the visit went like a product being manufactured in a warehouse. On to Exam room #3. Peaches offered words of encouragement and a light pat on the shoulder as she led me into the room to wait. I peeked my head out of the door to ask for a full-sized pad because reality was setting in and the gushing fluid now required something more substantial than the panty liner that I had worn to the office. As I waited, the nurse came in and unassumingly announced, "Well congratulations". I looked at her very puzzled and asked, “Did you talk with the ultrasound technician because I'm pretty sure congratulations are not in order?” I had listened very carefully as Peaches explained that I should have been 9weeks, 1 day pregnant, but instead the ultrasound was showing signs of a 5 week, 5 day pregnancy with no evidence of a heartbeat. Apparently, very shortly after my Valentine's pregnancy stick gift to Kai, the process stopped. Nurse Congratulations, who looked like she had just pulled her foot out of her mouth, apologized and excused herself, never to return again.

The next face entering Exam room#3 was Dr. Le, who had the awe I'm sorry face as he extended his hand. He explained that based on the ultrasound pictures and in line with what Peaches said, I was in fact miscarrying. He told me that there was nothing that could have been done; it's just one of those things. The process of conception is very complex and the egg multiples millions of times. If there is a skipped step or misstep anywhere in the process the body recognizes that the pregnancy will not be normal and nature takes over. As Dr. Le spoke, I listened and asked questions about my next steps. They were 1) allow nature to take its course-the body would release what it was holding to prepare for a baby which could take up to 2 weeks or 2) schedule a D&C, also known as dilation and curettage. It’s a procedure where they use an instrument called a curettage to scrape the uterine walls. He offered to get me in the next day for the D&C procedure. I was on the fence about what to do, but certainly had not expected the assembly line of decisions to move this quickly. I needed some time to think, to sort out my emotions, to speak with Kai, I wasn't quite ready for our second child to be whisked out of my loins. My first mind was to go with option 1 (less evasive, but I sensed that Dr. Le preferred option 2-the get ‘er done method and not in a bad way) Like any good doctor, he left the decision up to me. His only caveat about option 1 was to try and collect a sample of the passing tissues. Maria, the female scheduler, came over to discuss option 2 (I sensed that she preferred option 1), but told me that she could get me scheduled for a 10:30am D&C the following day. I would have to rush over to the hospital to do pre-op stuff like lab and paper work. Unable to reach Kai by phone, I told her to schedule the procedure and I would call her later to cancel if need be. I headed to the car not really knowing how to feel or what to do with myself. I cried. I apologized to God for my mixed feelings about this pregnancy. From the beginning, I was concerned about expanding our family to 4. Would I be able to handle 2 children and keep my OCD at a manageable level? Was I ready to sacrifice my body for the next 1-2 years? Would I have to put my career on hold again? Could our marriage survive? On the other hand, I was filled with thoughts of Carter's new forever playmate, having a baby to smell and cuddle with again, and seeing the joy on Kai's face at Christmas time as we would now have 2 children to build memories with.

As I sat in the car, my mind drifted to more questions, like Kai asking me, "Do you feel pregnant?" No. And me asking Carter, "Do you want a little brother or sister?" No. And me asking God, "Is it the right time?" No.

Now, I wait for nature to take its course. Last night, the process started and I cringed and winced with every plop and glop that landed in the toilet, as I further accepted the reality that I was no longer pregnant. I’m not yet sure what we will decide with regard to expanding our family.

Now, I am left with the thought that what started out as my pregnancy confirmation appointment turned into my miscarriage melodrama.


Please share your stories about miscarriage. My hope in sharing my reflection is to show that miscarraige is more common than the 10-25% that studies claim. I feel proud to share my inner most thoughts and feelings if it will be helpful to someone else. 

The FAT Booger

While riding in daddy's truck on the way home from school one day, Carter announced that he had a fat booger in his nose. My husband, probably tuned out but still present, did not respond. Minutes later, Carter stated that he had eaten the FAT booger. YUCKY, YUCK!

Please share your stories about bodily fluids or other disgusting tales.

Questions that kids ask

Carter is a boy's boy-those of you with boys know exactly what I mean.

It is true that boys are wired differently and just have unexplainable energy oozing from their pores. In an effort to guide future potty training, my husband would often take Carter to the restroom. One day, as Carter was sitting on the toilet he turned to me and asked, "Mommy, let me see your penis?" WHAT! was the response in my head, however I calmly informed him that mommies do not have a penis only daddys and little boys. "Ohhhh.....wait for it....Mommy, come on let me see your penis". Now, that's the rationale and thinking of a 2-year old for you. SMH.

Please share your stories of questions that kids ask.

In the beginning...actually before the beginning

I am starting this blog as an outlet to share the wonderful, funny, scary, embarassing, and always entertaining stories of being a MOM. My hope is that other moms and dads will weigh in on all that is involved with being a mom (or parent). I'd like to start by sharing the poem, Before I was Mom. Having read it before I was mom and AFTER it perfectly captures the essense of Living on the edge of Motherhood.


Please share stories of what your Before I was a Mom poem would include.
Author: Unknown

Before I was a Mom...

I made and ate hot meals. I had unstained clothing. I had quiet conversations on the phone.

Before I was a Mom... I slept as late as I wanted and never worried about how late I got into bed. I brushed my hair and my teeth everyday.

Before I was a Mom... I cleaned my house each day. I never tripped over toys or forgot words to lullabies.

Before I was a Mom... I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. I never thought about Immunizations.

Before I was a Mom... I had never been puked on, pooped on, spit on, chewed on, peed on or pinched by tiny fingers. I had complete control of my mind, my thoughts, and my body. I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom... I never held down a screaming child so that doctors could do tests or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom... I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put it down. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much. I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom... I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body. I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child. I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important.

Before I was a Mom... I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay. I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment, or the satisfaction of being a Mom. I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mom.